Now, The Descendants happens to be a good movie, but sometimes on this show we review bad movies most of them are just run of the mill bad, but a select few achieve a different level of badness: they’re mesmerizingly bad, almost too strange to exist. Such is the case of THE GREENING OF WHITNEY BROWN, an object lesson in accidental Surrealism. Even the title is fascinatingly terrible. It all starts innocently enough, with the insufferable title character, a middle-school girl, learning that her well-to-do parents are broke.
Off they go to the farm to reconnect with their roots and hang out with Whitney’s estranged grandfather. He’s played by Kris Kristofferson. Why? Because apparently Kris Kristofferson just doesn’t care anymore.
Mind you, these clips are provided by the studio that made the film, so they’re gonna try and make it look good. But believe me, this movie is mostly just a nightmarish, spiraling fever dream of horse jokes, horse reaction shots, horse bodily functions, horse-related montages and other assorted horse antics.
This might sound silly, but this dumb movie about a tween and her horse has left me a little conflicted. I can’t help but be fascinated by it, though definitely not in the way that the filmmakers intended. It’s objectively terrible, but I’m almost reluctant in giving it a thumbs down—I can’t help but begrudgingly respect a movie that will put a horse as a star in its opening credits.
Odd Job Bob as Bob. Yes, my thumb is also down. I think we need more perky montages here that might have pepped it up a little bit more, more perky pop songs that literally comment on the action. Um, yeah this movie is horrible and tween girls deserve smarter, stronger film characters to look up to I mean she gets…
IGNATIY: Or better movies for that matter, I mean..
CHRISTY LEMIRE: Yeah, it’s cynical, perky and glossy and vapid.
IGNATIY: But also incredibly strange.
CHRISTY: I like how the horse goes to prom. I like that the horse A) knows where prom is and B) can figure out who the mean girl is in class in order to humilate her in front of all of her friends. That’s how good the horse is.